listentomymuse | Spring rain among ice storms

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Spring rain among ice storms

[Ven has been...adapting to Empatheias as much as he could have.

It's been full of ups and downs, the way he's grown to adjust to having a body again after going 10+ years without it. Meeting people he's only ever seen from Sora's memories, connected to his heart. However, nothing could have made him prepared for whatever this is between him and Riku.

Soulmates.

Apparently in this world, soulmates are common, mixed in with how emotions affect them. Everyone has someone to help them, bond with them. Their emotions become connected to each other in a rather...intimate manner and Ventus hasn't expecting his emotions to suddenly click with Riku's. But they made it work, even if there are still many unsaid things left between them.

Riku's still hurting over Sora being soulmates with someone else, and Ventus is wondering if this will be all okay in the end, despite doing what he can to help Riku.

It's why he's been taking little steps to lessen their link a little bit, enough that Riku won't be able to feel the small pangs of hurt that comes whenever he sees Riku looking at him in a certain way - almost as if he's Sora. And Ventus can't confront him on this either.

But they're making it work - albeit slowly.

But it's also why Ventus has found himself at the lighthouse, fingers idly weaving a flower crown together while he listens to the waves below as the stars gleam above.]

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[ Somehow this moment feels so fleeting and yet to see Ven being the one to pull away... it's as if time somehow stops around them and the colour from the world slowly begins to drain.

This isn't... this isn't how this should be, is it? He should be the one to pull away from Ven, to turn around, to walk away, to try and pretend that he doesn't feel an overwhelming desire to be around the blond as much as he possibly can be. It's... cruel, so cruel and selfish to think that he should be the one to do this and yet when Ven does it, when Ven begins to gently pull away from their bond... it hurts. It hurts so much to think that his soulmate is uncertain of him, that he could very well believe that he doesn't deserve to be stuck with someone like him. It's all the things that Riku has claimed to want, that were true... so then why does this hurt so much?

For a moment, he seems frozen in place, staring to Ven with his words just barely penetrating his whirlwind of thoughts as he stares after him and it's in this moment that he realizes he could very well lose him. That Ven, of all people, his soulmate... could be gone.

And it's all his fault.

With haste, Riku moves suddenly and fingers wrap around Ven's wrist as he pulls him back, wanting to have the blond face him. His jacket has fallen, discarded and not important and rather than pull him in for an attempt at a kiss, Riku comes to fall to his knees, hanging his head in shame. Strands of silver cover his face, fingers gripping so tight at Ven's wrist that he silently worries he might hurt him. But the pain of the mark on the inside of his wrist that throbs at the thought of losing Ven here... it's so much more worse than he could have ever imagined. ]

Don't... [ The word is so gentle, soft, broken almost as he grits his teeth and stares to the ground. ] ...don't leave.

[In order to pull away, there has to be something to pull away from. It hurts to even think about pulling away from Riku, to keep his distance, and it makes him want to scream, to shout, to cry. That he believes that his soulmate, this person this world deemed to be his other half, doesn't want him. It's so easy to think that: no one ever wants Ven in the first place. Xehanort discarded him at the Land of Departure for being useless, and Eraqus was so ready to erase his very existence.

He's fine being alone. He's fine with being friends with the people he's gotten to know. He's fine with always being second or third - never being anyone's first.

No one would ever come to him for anything.

When Riku suddenly moves and grabs him, keeping him in place while he falls down to his knees, Ven has to fight hard to keep his expression calm.

At the plea, Ven blinks once in surprise before he sighs out softly, a gentle smile appearing on his face. With his other hand, he cups Riku's cheek.]

I'm not leaving. [Not yet. Not until he knows what Riku's answer will end up being.] But I want you to figure out how you feel, too, Riku. I'll still be around.

[He won't ever leave Riku. Yet he can't get close to him again either - not enough for that want to draw them close.]

[ It's not that he doesn't believe Ven. It's that there are certain things that he's not saying which makes Riku worry, makes his mark throb on the inside of his wrist, make him drop to his knees as he currently is and hold tight to that wrist he almost refuses to let go of.

Because this is just like him. To push away those who mean so much to him. To betray a bond he shares with another. To think only of himself and what he wants, so selfishly so, stewing in his annoyance and frustration at how unfair everything is and how envious he is of the one who is Sora's soulmate when he should be him. All of this is exactly what first got him and everyone else into all the trouble back then: his own selfish desires.

So why? Why does he keep doing this? Why can't he see past his own greed and wanting everything to be as he wants it? Why can't he come to see that there's compromise? That there are others who feel things? That he's not the only one in this world who has suffered and lost and feels hurt with whatever has happened in their life? Why can't he do that? ]

I'm hurting you. [ He says then, fingers still gripping Ven's wrist. ] I'm hurting you... and you won't say it. You won't say how much it hurts to have me for a soulmate when you know that I've been pulling away from you. I know you do. I know I'm hurting you. I know you're waiting for me to come to you even if you want to come to me. You're hurting and you're pretending that you're not because you think you deserve it.

[ A beat. ]

Because you think no one wants you. That I don't want you.

[He hit the nail on the head.

Ventus grows quiet, his light dimming as Riku is forcing him to acknowledge his own fears. He knows it’s true, it’s why he hadn’t said anything. How could he when Riku is already facing his own set of challenges and insecurities? He doesn’t need Ven’s on top of that. It’s so much easier to move on with a smile on his face, turning his back to the shadows even as it grows larger behind him.

He bites the inside of his cheek, hesitant. Then he says:]

Isn’t it true? [The question comes easily and there’s...a sudden calm that rushes over him.

He pulls his hand away.]

It’s not just you, Riku. It’s like how you think you can never deserve happiness after everything that you’ve done—that you deserve to be alone and unhappy.

[Left in the cold where no warmth can ever touch him.]

...No one wants a broken person.

[ What does he do? What can be possibly say or do to try and make this right for Ven? For them?

If he didn't feel cold before, he does when Ven pulls his hand away and fingers are left reaching for the blond in mid-air. This is... his fault. Again. As usual. To no one's surprise, not even his own. Ven feels this way for his own reasons, yes, but also because of how he's been acting, how he's been pulling away, simply reaffirming that he's not wanted by his own soulmate and that his soulmates has been pining for another.

This is all his fault.

Just as before, he'll sink into darkness, allow it to consume him and keep him in the shadows where he belongs. To sit with the guilt, the regret, the shame for everything that he's done in this situation with Ven... it's just meant to be for him, isn't it?

But it doesn't have to be. He can be the dawn, it's what he's always wanted, what he's strived to go towards. So... why stop? Why give up and surrender to his own failures and mistakes yet again? Why let this keep happening?

Getting to his feet, Riku grabs at Ven's wrist again but this time much more firmly than before and he turns the blond to face him, eyes of blue-green staring to him as he does. ]

Then what does that make me? Perfect? I'm no where close to that. That's why I understand what you're feeling. I don't care if you're broken because I am, too. I get jealous and I make mistakes and I can't see my own worth a lot of the time but I can see yours. I can see your light and I can feel it when I'm beside you.

[ His mark continues to ache as he spills his words before Ven. ]

I don't need someone who's perfect or complete. I need someone who understands me.

[There is always so many ways to fight fate, to cut the strings that tries to lead them down a certain path.

Ven is used to the hurt, long before Riku has come around. He’s gotten used to the darkness that has surrounded him, the edges of light that’s Sora keeping him warm and reminding him he isn’t alone. He takes steps to avoid letting anyone else get hurt again, to be the cause for the hurt that has happened.

If Riku has become the dawn, then what does that make Ven?

The light of the dawn that barely holds itself together.

His eyes widens when Riku grabs him again, blue-green staring into vivid blue and he’s at a loss for words. Ven almost recoils from him, from wanting to continue being trapped here, but he can’t.

Not when Riku is looking at him like that, and his mark practically sings.]

You think I understand you? [It’s almost laughable. He can feel a bit of Vanitas lingering inside, laughing at them both.] Riku—

Don't you?

[ The words are hushed as he stares down to Ven, that bit of height difference between them making the blond seem so much more fragile in this moment where an overwhelming urge to protect him quietly nags at the back of his mind.

The hand that holds Ven's wrist comes to turn it upwards, laying bare the shared mark on the inside of Ven's wrist while his own shows opposite of Ven's. Looking at them, they seem to pulse and thrum against their wrists and it has Riku stare to how brightly they seem to burn against this skin, even here under the moonlight. ]

Ven...

[ The way in which he says the blond's name is quiet and gentle, almost caring in a way that Riku hardly shows to others. But it's sincere, it's genuine, it's soft and worried and it holds a gentle weight to it that even Riku himself can feel. ]

If you don't want this, if you don't want me to be here... tell me. Sora means the world to me and I would do anything for him. But you...

[ But you're the one I'm aching for. ]

[His mark aches and resonates with Riku’s, a soft reminder, a constant reassurance.

With Riku close like this, it’s hard to lie and pull away. It makes him want to draw close, to come close and he wants to relax into it. He can feel the way their bond makes him relax and eases the tension building inside of him.

He wants to cry.]

I want you. [The response is soft, but genuine.

Ven has always been more honest with his own feelings. It’s not surprising that his answer is the same.]

I want you here—with me. But I want you to be close because you want to, not because of the bond.

[He doesn’t want this because of how their bond makes them want to be together. It makes him want to step close but he’s afraid.]

[ I want you.

I want you here with me.

Those words alone seem to somehow choke Riku's heart as silence falls over and he really allows them to sink in. To hear them... Sora has said something similar, although not in the way that Ven is saying them. This is... different, so very different in the way that Ven says it and it's why his heart feels as though it's squeezing in his chest as he stares to the blond.

But he knows... he knows the fears, the insecurities that Ven has regarding such a decision and, to be honest, he has those himself... or at least has claimed that's what any of this could possibly be between them: a reaction to the marks they share on their wrists.

But... it can't be just that, can it? Even before this moment, before the revelation of who his soulmate was, he and Ven got along just fine, surprisingly well, in fact. Was that simply because of the bond they share? The bond they're locked within with each other regardless of what either of them might want?

It was all more than that... wasn't it? ]

Even if there wasn't a bond, even if soulmates didn't exist... [ He doesn't want to ask this and yet, he does. ] ...would you still look at me this way? Still want me to be here? Still want me?

[There's not many people Ven has asked to stay with him. In fact, he hasn't asked anyone to be with him at all. With Terra and Aqua, it's easy to make promises with each other that they'll be together always only to be torn apart. With Sora, Ven has only been planning to sleep long enough until his heart has restored -- but not once has he actually told anyone what he wants.

Not like this.

So, it's always been different with Riku, long before their marks managed to appear and drew them together. Before, they were friends - not close enough, but they did get along. Their first meeting clicked well and they told each other things they haven't told anyone else before. How did this mark come to get in the way and set them apart?

When Riku asks him that question, he isn't surprised. Despite his own carefree nature, despite how similar he can really be to Sora in terms of naivety and energy, Ven has always been a little more on the serious side. He has learned to think and to use his wits most of the time to help him out of a pinch, and thinking about this isn't any difference.

If things had been different, would he still look at Riku this way?

A question he had asked himself the moment he realized who his soulmate is, who it bounded him to, and one he always asked himself when Riku had begun to pull away from him.]

Yes. [While the answer may be simple, it's straightforward - it's not a lie. His eyes look right into Riku's.] Even if this doesn't exist - even if there wasn't a bond that pulled us together - you'd still be the only person I want.

[Because Riku is the first person to talk to him as Ventus. He had never looked at him as anyone else, despite Ven's fears. Because this feeling that Ven has for Riku now isn't a feeling that can only be developed through a bond but through connection and actually talking to him. Just like how it was in the beginning before they realized their marks.]

[ you'd still be the only person I want.

Words that Riku never thought he would hear addressed to him, about him and there they are, spilling so effortlessly from Ven's lips and leaving him speechless in the moment.

Despite the bond, despite the shared marks that they wear on the insides of their wrists, despite the rules and everything that they're supposed to do or supposed to not do... despite all of that, Ven would still choose him. Ven... would choose him... of all people, even without this pull, even without these marks, even without some 'higher power' saying so. He would do it on his own and that alone causes something within Riku to swell.

There's something about this moment, something that doesn't feel as though he's being pulled by the shared bond they're wrapped up in. No, he's not being forced, not being coerced into coming closer to Ven. It's all on his own, all of his own doing, all of his own desire. This is what he wants right here, right now.

Ven is what he wants.

And so he dips in, catching those lips in another kiss and he pours whatever amount of emotion that he can into it, hoping to have it brush against Ven's lips and slip into his mouth, tasting the sweetness that he is making him feel in this moment. Because to kiss Ven like this... it's like kissing sunshine and spun sugar and it's the sweetest, warmest thing he's ever felt. ]

[He waits, almost anxiously, to hear or see Riku’s response. He knows that Riku might not believe him, not completely, but it’s the truth.

Bond or no bond, Riku will remain to be the person that he wants.

There’s a thrumming between their bond, the way his mark aches as if pleased and content with his choice. As if saying that’s right. This will always be the person you’ll choose. This will always be the person you love because it has always been your choice.

So, it’s easy to surprise Riku dips in to kiss him and he can feel the emotions being poured into it. Feeling it brush against him, through their bond, has him sighing into the kiss as he returns it. His hand comes up, fingers tangling into Riku’s hair.]

[ He can't say that he deserves such a person like Ven in his life, let alone being wanted by such a person. Ven is a warmth so much more different from Sora and that's perfectly ok and something that Riku appreciates. No, Ven is not Sora. He's his own person with his own heart, his own heart, his own hopes and dreams and even insecurities... it's for that reason that Riku appreciates him, that Riku is here like this right now... that Riku is allowing his emotions to spill into this kiss.

He deepens the kiss, holding tight to Ven, knowing that he needs to let him go and turn in for the night. But right now, here in this moment, where Ven has more or less reassured him of wanting him... he doesn't want to let go of this moment and just enjoy it for a little while longer. Enjoy those fingers that so carefully card their way through silver strands of hair.

He cradles Ven's face so gently within the palm of his hand, thumb stroking over soft skin before he finally finds it within him to break their kiss, though makes little effort to really pull back much from him. ]

I'm sorry. [ He murmurs, still so close against Ven. ] For how I've treated you... how I've treated this.

[ Because Ven hasn't deserved any of it. ]

[He can easily feel Riku’s emotions pouring into him, through their kiss, and he can’t help but send a wave of warmth over him in return. Ven will easily argue against him about what it means to deserve someone, to feel like they truly deserve to feel this kind of affection. But it doesn’t matter. Riku sees him. Sees who he is and that’s enough for Ventus.

When the kiss deepens, the fingers curled in silver strands tightens their grip briefly. It’s not like the kiss from earlier — this time, he can feel Riku’s sincere passion into it and that’s...that’s something that makes his head spin. So when Riku pulls away, an involuntary whimper escapes at the loss and he has to focus briefly on what’s being said to him.

Ven blinks, listening and he sighs softly. Lips quirking up into a smile, he gently pushes Riku’s head down enough so that their foreheads are touching.]

...It’s alright.

[What matters now is that Riku’s here. He’s here and that’s all Ven could really ask for.]

[ It's alright, he says. But... is it? Is it really alright with how he's treated their bond and, by association of it, how he's treated Ven? None of this is Ven's fault, let alone his own when it comes to picking soulmates for one another. It's more like luck of the draw with who you might find yourself paired with and, in all honesty, it could be so much more worse than Ven... and, in turn, so much more worse than himself for Ven.

But somehow, it's no excuse for how he's treated this, how he's pushed away from not only the pull that comes with one's soulmate, but just pulling away from Ven in general, forcing an invisible wedge between them in some attempt to keep him from feeling anything for the blond. But not even realizing how that might make Ven feel, let alone question his own worth.

Riku doesn't pull back when Ven pulls his forehead against his own and, instead, blue-green eyes stare into bright blue as he slowly blinks and gently allows a sigh to slip from his lips. ]

It's not. But I know you forgive too easily.

[ It's... something that he can admire, at times, when it comes to Ven and even Sora. The way in which they're so ready and easy to forgive those they care for when no one in their right mind would blame them for feeling slighted and want time away. Yet here he is, pressing their foreheads together and letting him know that he wants him, that it's ok, that he's more or less forgiven him.

He really doesn't deserve this person here. ]

You shouldn't forgive me.

[You should't forgive me.

Something...about that makes Ven almost want to laugh. He doesn't, but it doesn't stop the mirth from appearing in his eyes, the way the wind picks up around them playfully. Considering all that Ventus has done that has led up to this point? Perhaps it should be the other way around, but he doesn't say it.

They can go back and forth on this all night, and he knows there will be no clear winner in the end.

Right now, it's simply comforting to have Riku like this, foreheads pressed close together. Ven has always been good when it comes to physical contact, the slight comfort it brings of having someone close. He's not overly affectionate like Sora is, not the kind of person who would tackle people into a hug out of sheer joy or relief, but his gestures are subtle - blunt in a way. ~~He's the perfect balance of Sora and Roxas, after all.~~

For Ven to be told he forgives easily? Maybe it's true, but he's also an embodiment of pure light whereas his Darkness is still missing, still cut from him even though he was sure that they had united in a way.

So, he laughs softly - not boisterous and the kind of laugh that sounds more like wind chimes.]

You say that, but I see no reason not to forgive you either. [Another wave of warmth sent to Riku, the way his fingers idly stroke through his hair in an affectionate manner.] Don't beat yourself up too much.

[ The warmth that rolls off Ven is a comfort that Riku didn't even know he needed from the blond but each and every time he does it, he finds himself slowly relaxing in it.

He knows the both of them could continue this all night long, into forever, really, both of them being stubborn in their own ways, even if Riku's are a little more on the self-loathing side of things. But with Ven here like this, with the touch of his skin beneath his fingertips and the way that warmth gently continues to roll over him like a spring freeze carrying the scent of flowers and blades of grass, he finds himself sighing softly and allowing his eyes to fall shut while foreheads still press against each other. ]

If I don't beat myself up, who's going to do it for me?

[ A joke. A simple, playful joke that he offers with even just the hint of a smile as eyes slowly open and he looks into those blue eyes again. ]

I will. [Blunt, to the point. Even if it's accompanied by a gentle smile.

In a way, it's a little easier to see who Ventus is behind these gestures. The jaded Keyblade Master who had seen things, had fought his own Darkness, and is a person out of time. But despite the hardships, despite everything that's been done, it's still Ventus - the dawn of spring, the warm wind that comes to gently melt winter's ice. Not like Sora. Not like Roxas. And definitely not like Vanitas.]

I can always just punch you if it'd make you feel better.

[ Well, nothing like the direct approach, right?

Ven's words maybe get Riku to smile a little, though he does his best to try and hide that before he steals a quick but gentle kiss from those lips. ]

I didn't know you liked it so rough.

[ Again, his words are meant to tease and this time, he allows his smile to show through, even if it's gentle and a little bit shy.

Coming to pull back then, he glances off towards the place which Ven is staying in before his attention falls back onto the blond... and then on his tattoo. It feels so warm- so pleased in this moment that it almost feels like a comfort to him with his being so close to Ven like this, with his not fighting against it or trying to argue with himself with why it's wrong, why it shouldn't be, why it just couldn't work. To give in... it isn't always so bad, is it? ]

You should get some rest.

You still have a lot to learn about me.

[A small bubble of laughter escapes from him after Riku steals another kiss.

Especially because Riku is smiling, no matter how small and shy, and for Ventus, that's enough. It makes him pleased, sparkles of light appearing over his shoulders. He knows that there's still a lot they have to go through together, but as long as they're together, it's fine. They can make it.

His mark is warm, a wave of pleasant tingling spreading through him. Satisfied and content, no longer burning with the pain that Ven has been dealing with for almost two months now. This is why he's waited - to see if Riku will be alright with this in the end. It's like two halves finally making a whole and for Ven--that's honestly all he ever wants.

He tilts his head to the side.]

You, too. [And it's getting colder out now. He's not sure if any of their housemates will come looking for them, but it's late and there will always be other times to talk about this.]

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Spring rain among ice storms

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