listentomymuse | Spring rain among ice storms

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Spring rain among ice storms

[Ven has been...adapting to Empatheias as much as he could have.

It's been full of ups and downs, the way he's grown to adjust to having a body again after going 10+ years without it. Meeting people he's only ever seen from Sora's memories, connected to his heart. However, nothing could have made him prepared for whatever this is between him and Riku.

Soulmates.

Apparently in this world, soulmates are common, mixed in with how emotions affect them. Everyone has someone to help them, bond with them. Their emotions become connected to each other in a rather...intimate manner and Ventus hasn't expecting his emotions to suddenly click with Riku's. But they made it work, even if there are still many unsaid things left between them.

Riku's still hurting over Sora being soulmates with someone else, and Ventus is wondering if this will be all okay in the end, despite doing what he can to help Riku.

It's why he's been taking little steps to lessen their link a little bit, enough that Riku won't be able to feel the small pangs of hurt that comes whenever he sees Riku looking at him in a certain way - almost as if he's Sora. And Ventus can't confront him on this either.

But they're making it work - albeit slowly.

But it's also why Ventus has found himself at the lighthouse, fingers idly weaving a flower crown together while he listens to the waves below as the stars gleam above.]

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[It all feels too—right. Not perfect, not everything is perfect, but right now? This feels right. This feels as though he’s been waiting for this; that a part of him just become completed that he makes no move to pull away or to move. If anything, he responds to the kiss deeper, an insistent desire for more burning inside of him.

His mark tingles, burning with pleasure and it spreads through his body.

This is right. This is all he wants.

It’s not exactly feeling whole, but at the same time, it is. Like another half of his heart has clicked into place and it’ll stay there. As he feels himself pushed up against the lighthouse, his free hand coming up to tangle fingers into silver hair. The sound that escapes from him isn’t a moan, but resembles close—a soft sigh that it alone expresses the pleased feeling that envelops him.]

[ Those little sounds fill Riku with such a desire and need to touch Ven that it practically makes him dizzy from the rush of it all. To know that Ven wants this- wants him... it only feeds that desire that stirs within him and makes him want to draw out more of those lovely little sounds.

Hands come to cradle at Ven's face as their kiss deepens and his head spins in a dizzy delight. Because this feels right, this feels good, this feels like everything he's been missing and wanting from this so-called bond of theirs. To give into this bond, this pull, this desire for the one you share a mark with... it's enough to make him forget why he had been pulling away, why he had been refusing to accept it, why he had been so willing to try and fight it all in the first place.

But it's when fingers slip away from Ven's face and find themselves pushing up and under the hem of his shirt that he feels a shiver rush up his spine from feeling warm skin against fingertips. It's enough to make him break their kiss, to pull back just enough to look to Ven as he catches his breath and blue-green eyes stare into those lovely blue ones that belong to Ven, his soulmate. ]

It's late.

[When Riku pulls away, it seems that all coherent thought suddenly returns to Ven and he almost makes a sound, a flicker of disapproval felt between them.

But the want, this acceptance, the desire—it’s enough to make him remember that yes, they are still in public whether people actually go to the lighthouse or not. And while Ven would love to continue the kiss, he also isn’t ready to have people see them like this. Little displays of affection is fine, but with Riku finally accepting...he’d rather not take the chance.

Ven pants softly, giving a nod and it’s with some reluctance that he begins to pry his fingers away from his hair.]

R-Right.

[ To be pulled away from Ven like this after having more or less succumbed to the desires that come from the pull of that shared mark between them... it has Riku swallow thickly, suddenly so aware of how fast and loud his heart is beating in his chest. Giving in like this is addictive and so very difficult to break away from that it almost worries him, has him wonder just what could very well happen between them when caution is entirely thrown to the wind and it's just the two of them; is it even something that Ven wants or simply a result of this bond?

Regardless, he pulls away, still catching his breath and cards a set of fingers through his silver hair, pushing some of it out of the way. ]

I... can walk you home. If you want...

[ Because they don't live together, no, and it's been helpful in his mission to ignore this bond, this soulmate business about this world that he's been fighting tooth and nail to ignore since coming here.

But now, what with having allowed himself to give in a little, even as fleeting as it was, would living apart simply put them right back to where they were minutes ago? Or would it suddenly make things even more difficult and more painful than before? ]

[With how long they haven't explored the bond, it's easy to give into the wants and desires that comes with it. It's addictive, a constant pull that he's been warned about from his housemates. If this is enough to get them to throw caution to the wind, then what would happen if they actually go all the way? He's honestly a little afraid to find out, but he also wants to dive more into it.

Let himself lost to Riku.

As soon as Riku pulls away, he takes a deep breath and he looks at him.]

...Only if you want to.

[He's not sure if he wants to pull Riku close again or maintain some sort of distance between them. The mark tingles again, not quite hurting, but there's a constant pull to him that he has to get used to.

With this being new to the both of them, they would have to take little steps.]

[ Does he want to? ]

I wouldn't have offered if I didn't.

[ There. It's said and done as a sort of reassurance, right?

Still, Riku steps back from Ven and feels the way his mark gently throbs against the inside of his wrist as he does so, as if stepping away from his soulmate were such a crime to commit. But considering the lengths that he's gone to with avoiding this bond, with trying to pretend that there's nothing there between them and never will be... he can understand why the mark burns as it does, desperately wanting to be reunited and feel good as it did seconds ago.

But, not out here. Not out in public like this. It's cold and dark and Ven is still wearing his jacket. ]

Shouldn't take too long.

[ It's muttered as he turns, forcing his hands to shove themselves into his pockets rather than reach out and take Ven's hand. ]

[Ven just gives Riku a sort of look before he finally gets up to his feet.]

Alright then.

[A part of him feels the need to reach out and take Riku's hand, but he can't. So, he just inhales through his nose and breathes out. It looks as if he wants to say something, but eventually opts not to.

The longer they linger, the stronger the pull becomes and Ven is still trying to wrap his mind around this. This sudden acceptance and wonders if by tomorrow, it'll be gone and they're back to playing pretend. It makes him almost shake his head to dispel such thoughts, and instead, he starts walking back to where he's staying.

He's not sure if his housemates are actually home, but he does know that they might not be too pleased to see Riku either. They can talk more about this tomorrow.]

[ The entire walk to Ven's place is more or less silent on both ends. What's there to say, really? To have given into the pull between them when he had only meant to try and reassure Ven that none of this was his fault with how he acted towards him... but, was that really why he approached him? It's what he was telling himself. That he offered his jacket to him as a means to keep warm, not because he... cared. But even then, that's not right either, is it? Riku cares, for those close to him and those he considers important, he does. He may not always voice it or even show it in ways that others like Sora are more open about doing. But he has his own ways, he does, he always has. It's just that... with Ven... it's different.

Right?

The walk doesn't take long, fifteen minutes at most, but it's the silence that lingers over them that makes it feel as though it's much more longer than that. It's when they approach Ven's place that Riku comes to stop a little ways outside of it and suddenly finds that... he doesn't want to see him go... as annoying as that is. But, is it really?

So, he stands there, hands in his pockets, giving a glance to Ven out of the corner of his eye before he looks back ahead, figuring that Ven will just... slip inside. ]

[Could Riku have done it out of pity?

Could he have done it because he's finally given into it?

Ven wants to know and yet he doesn't. He has a history of finding out answers that he wishes he doesn't know and has come to regret in time. Really, all he wants to know is whether or not Riku would find this - him - to be a mistake, after all. The mark burns at the thought and he holds back a groan of annoyance.

Now was not the time for this.

But as they come closer to the house, Ven shrugs off the jacket and hands it back to Riku.]

Here.

[He doesn't want Riku to go. Doesn't want to see him leave, but being so close like this--He's not sure if he can handle it any much longer before wanting to give into it.

And he refuses to force Riku into this any longer.

So, he holds out the jacket out to him, waiting for him to take it back.]

[ Despite the warmth that permeates from Ven so gently like a spring breeze, Riku can feel the tiny sparks of insecurities that lay within him just as much as Ven can feel his own. The bond makes them all that more sharper- clearer and it's nearly impossible to keep it hidden from the other when being bound together not only physically but emotionally as well. So for them to both be standing there in silence and wondering what the other thinks, let alone feels, it's awkward and more than likely why neither of them seem to bring that topic up with each other.

When the jacket is offered to him, however, Riku comes to glance over to Ven and blue-green eyes slowly blink as he stares to the jacket hanging from his fingertips. This is how it's going to end for the night, isn't it? Neither of them really addressing what's happened, what it meant or even could mean, just pretend that it was a slip up, maybe, nothing more than that.

Right?

Dragging his teeth over his lower lip, Riku gives a short nod and reaches out to take his jacket from Ven. But it's that simple brush of his fingers against Ven's that causes his mark to thrum against the inside of his wrist and, before he can really stop himself from doing so, he takes hold of Ven's wrist and pulls him close for a kiss. ]

[It's easier to pretend than to acknowledge it. And while Ventus is usually more....blunt about his feelings, everything about this is new and he's still learning to readjust to being here again. Going over ten years without a body, including having shared a heart with someone else for so long, can be quite a thing to get accustomed to. And with their own insecurities bothering them, it's best to wait and see.

Wait and see for how much longer Riku will pull away or come close again.

So, he's naturally surprised when he's tugged in for a kiss again, the simple contact enough to have his heart race and small crackling of light to appear them - flickers of fireflies that comes and goes quickly. He almost kisses back, he wants to, but he also knows that Riku didn't really do this because he wants to.

No. It's the bond, isn't it.

It's for that reason, after a pleasured hum makes its way out of his throat that he has to force himself to pull away before they get caught up in it again, before they both become too drawn into the desire, the headiness that slowly surrounds them. He swallows thickly, a faint flush painting his cheeks.]

[ Riku can sense- feel the confusion bubbling within Ven and it's only when the blond pulls away that he allows his own thoughts to catch up to him and try to push through the thick fog of desire that clouds his mind with nothing but Ven and this bond of theirs.

Swallowing, Riku holds his jacket by the tips of his fingers as he stares to the blond and notices the gentle brush of pink against his cheeks. It's the silence that seems to harm them, that cuts through any sort of desire of giving into each other and distorts it, fills them with insecurities, tries to change their minds disguised as reason. It's not helping them in any sort of way and for a long moment, Riku isn't sure what to say despite knowing this. ]

It's not you...

[ It's me? Is that what he really wants to say? It's the bond? That doesn't sound any better. But... it's not Ven's fault, it never has been and if there's anyone to blame for this it is him, despite what Ven may claim. He's the one that's been pretending this doesn't exist, that's been pining after Sora in silence, that's been trying to distance himself from Ven and it's not fair to the blond to suddenly give in like this without so much as taking the other's feelings into consideration.

So then... what does he say? What can he say to try and reassure Ven? To apologize for how he's been? How he's currently being? How he can't even promise him anything right now because he has no idea what he's feeling or what's happening himself? The thoughts have Riku sigh and bring a hand up to his face, shaking his head against his palm. ]

You don't deserve this.

[ You don't deserve being stuck with me. ]

[Ven is quiet, uncertain and for once, he doesn't want to talk about this. He doesn't want to hear Riku's words of self-loathing or how he doesn't "deserve" any of this. Riku...Riku doesn't know much about him, to be honest, so it's not surprising to know the kinds of sins Ven has committed, the darkness he's brought upon himself and his friends.

The reason that Terra and Aqua have both gone missing because he's too weak to help them.

For once, he doesn't utter words of assurance. What can he say? No matter what he says or does, Riku won't believe him and while Ven is that little optimistic ball of sunshine--

There's a darkness in him, too. A certain kind of despair that hangs over him.

Lips pursed, he looks at something over Riku's shoulder, not quite looking at him. But then his shoulders...slump a bit.]

Maybe--Maybe it'd be a good idea for you to think about this more, Riku. [His voice is soft, the wind picking up around them.] Or talk to Sora.

[Because Ven...Ven isn't making things any better, is it?] And figure out what it is you really want. I can keep telling you that you're wrong, but it might not change anything and--

[In the end, it will always be Sora that Riku loves most.

He shakes his head, a step back from Riku.]

Just...come talk to me when you do figure things out. [His mark burns and he can feel the familiar pain shoot up. But Ven is adamant in his choice, willing to give Riku the distance that he needs to think it over. To talk to Sora. Because Ventus isn't sure if his light is enough anymore.

So, for once, he's the one who turns to walk away.]

[ Somehow this moment feels so fleeting and yet to see Ven being the one to pull away... it's as if time somehow stops around them and the colour from the world slowly begins to drain.

This isn't... this isn't how this should be, is it? He should be the one to pull away from Ven, to turn around, to walk away, to try and pretend that he doesn't feel an overwhelming desire to be around the blond as much as he possibly can be. It's... cruel, so cruel and selfish to think that he should be the one to do this and yet when Ven does it, when Ven begins to gently pull away from their bond... it hurts. It hurts so much to think that his soulmate is uncertain of him, that he could very well believe that he doesn't deserve to be stuck with someone like him. It's all the things that Riku has claimed to want, that were true... so then why does this hurt so much?

For a moment, he seems frozen in place, staring to Ven with his words just barely penetrating his whirlwind of thoughts as he stares after him and it's in this moment that he realizes he could very well lose him. That Ven, of all people, his soulmate... could be gone.

And it's all his fault.

With haste, Riku moves suddenly and fingers wrap around Ven's wrist as he pulls him back, wanting to have the blond face him. His jacket has fallen, discarded and not important and rather than pull him in for an attempt at a kiss, Riku comes to fall to his knees, hanging his head in shame. Strands of silver cover his face, fingers gripping so tight at Ven's wrist that he silently worries he might hurt him. But the pain of the mark on the inside of his wrist that throbs at the thought of losing Ven here... it's so much more worse than he could have ever imagined. ]

Don't... [ The word is so gentle, soft, broken almost as he grits his teeth and stares to the ground. ] ...don't leave.

[In order to pull away, there has to be something to pull away from. It hurts to even think about pulling away from Riku, to keep his distance, and it makes him want to scream, to shout, to cry. That he believes that his soulmate, this person this world deemed to be his other half, doesn't want him. It's so easy to think that: no one ever wants Ven in the first place. Xehanort discarded him at the Land of Departure for being useless, and Eraqus was so ready to erase his very existence.

He's fine being alone. He's fine with being friends with the people he's gotten to know. He's fine with always being second or third - never being anyone's first.

No one would ever come to him for anything.

When Riku suddenly moves and grabs him, keeping him in place while he falls down to his knees, Ven has to fight hard to keep his expression calm.

At the plea, Ven blinks once in surprise before he sighs out softly, a gentle smile appearing on his face. With his other hand, he cups Riku's cheek.]

I'm not leaving. [Not yet. Not until he knows what Riku's answer will end up being.] But I want you to figure out how you feel, too, Riku. I'll still be around.

[He won't ever leave Riku. Yet he can't get close to him again either - not enough for that want to draw them close.]

[ It's not that he doesn't believe Ven. It's that there are certain things that he's not saying which makes Riku worry, makes his mark throb on the inside of his wrist, make him drop to his knees as he currently is and hold tight to that wrist he almost refuses to let go of.

Because this is just like him. To push away those who mean so much to him. To betray a bond he shares with another. To think only of himself and what he wants, so selfishly so, stewing in his annoyance and frustration at how unfair everything is and how envious he is of the one who is Sora's soulmate when he should be him. All of this is exactly what first got him and everyone else into all the trouble back then: his own selfish desires.

So why? Why does he keep doing this? Why can't he see past his own greed and wanting everything to be as he wants it? Why can't he come to see that there's compromise? That there are others who feel things? That he's not the only one in this world who has suffered and lost and feels hurt with whatever has happened in their life? Why can't he do that? ]

I'm hurting you. [ He says then, fingers still gripping Ven's wrist. ] I'm hurting you... and you won't say it. You won't say how much it hurts to have me for a soulmate when you know that I've been pulling away from you. I know you do. I know I'm hurting you. I know you're waiting for me to come to you even if you want to come to me. You're hurting and you're pretending that you're not because you think you deserve it.

[ A beat. ]

Because you think no one wants you. That I don't want you.

[He hit the nail on the head.

Ventus grows quiet, his light dimming as Riku is forcing him to acknowledge his own fears. He knows it’s true, it’s why he hadn’t said anything. How could he when Riku is already facing his own set of challenges and insecurities? He doesn’t need Ven’s on top of that. It’s so much easier to move on with a smile on his face, turning his back to the shadows even as it grows larger behind him.

He bites the inside of his cheek, hesitant. Then he says:]

Isn’t it true? [The question comes easily and there’s...a sudden calm that rushes over him.

He pulls his hand away.]

It’s not just you, Riku. It’s like how you think you can never deserve happiness after everything that you’ve done—that you deserve to be alone and unhappy.

[Left in the cold where no warmth can ever touch him.]

...No one wants a broken person.

[ What does he do? What can be possibly say or do to try and make this right for Ven? For them?

If he didn't feel cold before, he does when Ven pulls his hand away and fingers are left reaching for the blond in mid-air. This is... his fault. Again. As usual. To no one's surprise, not even his own. Ven feels this way for his own reasons, yes, but also because of how he's been acting, how he's been pulling away, simply reaffirming that he's not wanted by his own soulmate and that his soulmates has been pining for another.

This is all his fault.

Just as before, he'll sink into darkness, allow it to consume him and keep him in the shadows where he belongs. To sit with the guilt, the regret, the shame for everything that he's done in this situation with Ven... it's just meant to be for him, isn't it?

But it doesn't have to be. He can be the dawn, it's what he's always wanted, what he's strived to go towards. So... why stop? Why give up and surrender to his own failures and mistakes yet again? Why let this keep happening?

Getting to his feet, Riku grabs at Ven's wrist again but this time much more firmly than before and he turns the blond to face him, eyes of blue-green staring to him as he does. ]

Then what does that make me? Perfect? I'm no where close to that. That's why I understand what you're feeling. I don't care if you're broken because I am, too. I get jealous and I make mistakes and I can't see my own worth a lot of the time but I can see yours. I can see your light and I can feel it when I'm beside you.

[ His mark continues to ache as he spills his words before Ven. ]

I don't need someone who's perfect or complete. I need someone who understands me.

[There is always so many ways to fight fate, to cut the strings that tries to lead them down a certain path.

Ven is used to the hurt, long before Riku has come around. He’s gotten used to the darkness that has surrounded him, the edges of light that’s Sora keeping him warm and reminding him he isn’t alone. He takes steps to avoid letting anyone else get hurt again, to be the cause for the hurt that has happened.

If Riku has become the dawn, then what does that make Ven?

The light of the dawn that barely holds itself together.

His eyes widens when Riku grabs him again, blue-green staring into vivid blue and he’s at a loss for words. Ven almost recoils from him, from wanting to continue being trapped here, but he can’t.

Not when Riku is looking at him like that, and his mark practically sings.]

You think I understand you? [It’s almost laughable. He can feel a bit of Vanitas lingering inside, laughing at them both.] Riku—

Don't you?

[ The words are hushed as he stares down to Ven, that bit of height difference between them making the blond seem so much more fragile in this moment where an overwhelming urge to protect him quietly nags at the back of his mind.

The hand that holds Ven's wrist comes to turn it upwards, laying bare the shared mark on the inside of Ven's wrist while his own shows opposite of Ven's. Looking at them, they seem to pulse and thrum against their wrists and it has Riku stare to how brightly they seem to burn against this skin, even here under the moonlight. ]

Ven...

[ The way in which he says the blond's name is quiet and gentle, almost caring in a way that Riku hardly shows to others. But it's sincere, it's genuine, it's soft and worried and it holds a gentle weight to it that even Riku himself can feel. ]

If you don't want this, if you don't want me to be here... tell me. Sora means the world to me and I would do anything for him. But you...

[ But you're the one I'm aching for. ]

[His mark aches and resonates with Riku’s, a soft reminder, a constant reassurance.

With Riku close like this, it’s hard to lie and pull away. It makes him want to draw close, to come close and he wants to relax into it. He can feel the way their bond makes him relax and eases the tension building inside of him.

He wants to cry.]

I want you. [The response is soft, but genuine.

Ven has always been more honest with his own feelings. It’s not surprising that his answer is the same.]

I want you here—with me. But I want you to be close because you want to, not because of the bond.

[He doesn’t want this because of how their bond makes them want to be together. It makes him want to step close but he’s afraid.]

[ I want you.

I want you here with me.

Those words alone seem to somehow choke Riku's heart as silence falls over and he really allows them to sink in. To hear them... Sora has said something similar, although not in the way that Ven is saying them. This is... different, so very different in the way that Ven says it and it's why his heart feels as though it's squeezing in his chest as he stares to the blond.

But he knows... he knows the fears, the insecurities that Ven has regarding such a decision and, to be honest, he has those himself... or at least has claimed that's what any of this could possibly be between them: a reaction to the marks they share on their wrists.

But... it can't be just that, can it? Even before this moment, before the revelation of who his soulmate was, he and Ven got along just fine, surprisingly well, in fact. Was that simply because of the bond they share? The bond they're locked within with each other regardless of what either of them might want?

It was all more than that... wasn't it? ]

Even if there wasn't a bond, even if soulmates didn't exist... [ He doesn't want to ask this and yet, he does. ] ...would you still look at me this way? Still want me to be here? Still want me?

[There's not many people Ven has asked to stay with him. In fact, he hasn't asked anyone to be with him at all. With Terra and Aqua, it's easy to make promises with each other that they'll be together always only to be torn apart. With Sora, Ven has only been planning to sleep long enough until his heart has restored -- but not once has he actually told anyone what he wants.

Not like this.

So, it's always been different with Riku, long before their marks managed to appear and drew them together. Before, they were friends - not close enough, but they did get along. Their first meeting clicked well and they told each other things they haven't told anyone else before. How did this mark come to get in the way and set them apart?

When Riku asks him that question, he isn't surprised. Despite his own carefree nature, despite how similar he can really be to Sora in terms of naivety and energy, Ven has always been a little more on the serious side. He has learned to think and to use his wits most of the time to help him out of a pinch, and thinking about this isn't any difference.

If things had been different, would he still look at Riku this way?

A question he had asked himself the moment he realized who his soulmate is, who it bounded him to, and one he always asked himself when Riku had begun to pull away from him.]

Yes. [While the answer may be simple, it's straightforward - it's not a lie. His eyes look right into Riku's.] Even if this doesn't exist - even if there wasn't a bond that pulled us together - you'd still be the only person I want.

[Because Riku is the first person to talk to him as Ventus. He had never looked at him as anyone else, despite Ven's fears. Because this feeling that Ven has for Riku now isn't a feeling that can only be developed through a bond but through connection and actually talking to him. Just like how it was in the beginning before they realized their marks.]

[ you'd still be the only person I want.

Words that Riku never thought he would hear addressed to him, about him and there they are, spilling so effortlessly from Ven's lips and leaving him speechless in the moment.

Despite the bond, despite the shared marks that they wear on the insides of their wrists, despite the rules and everything that they're supposed to do or supposed to not do... despite all of that, Ven would still choose him. Ven... would choose him... of all people, even without this pull, even without these marks, even without some 'higher power' saying so. He would do it on his own and that alone causes something within Riku to swell.

There's something about this moment, something that doesn't feel as though he's being pulled by the shared bond they're wrapped up in. No, he's not being forced, not being coerced into coming closer to Ven. It's all on his own, all of his own doing, all of his own desire. This is what he wants right here, right now.

Ven is what he wants.

And so he dips in, catching those lips in another kiss and he pours whatever amount of emotion that he can into it, hoping to have it brush against Ven's lips and slip into his mouth, tasting the sweetness that he is making him feel in this moment. Because to kiss Ven like this... it's like kissing sunshine and spun sugar and it's the sweetest, warmest thing he's ever felt. ]

[He waits, almost anxiously, to hear or see Riku’s response. He knows that Riku might not believe him, not completely, but it’s the truth.

Bond or no bond, Riku will remain to be the person that he wants.

There’s a thrumming between their bond, the way his mark aches as if pleased and content with his choice. As if saying that’s right. This will always be the person you’ll choose. This will always be the person you love because it has always been your choice.

So, it’s easy to surprise Riku dips in to kiss him and he can feel the emotions being poured into it. Feeling it brush against him, through their bond, has him sighing into the kiss as he returns it. His hand comes up, fingers tangling into Riku’s hair.]

Spring rain among ice storms

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